I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Randomize