I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
