my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
