does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
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