I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
