even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
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We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
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I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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