I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
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