I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Randomize
