Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
