did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
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He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
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THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize