we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Randomize
