Without porn, I would have few hobbies.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
