why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
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