You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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