I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
