i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
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