Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
