everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Randomize
