You can't special order awesome
I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
