mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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