i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Randomize
