I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
