That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
