ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
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He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
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I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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