i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
