I must be too annoying 4 u.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
