you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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