I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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