A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
my liver is dry heaving
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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