If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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