my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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