...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
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