Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
we're so committed to being not committed
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
