Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Randomize
