Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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