Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
