did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
