What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
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