I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
