You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
