When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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