just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
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