was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
