Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
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So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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