I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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