This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
