I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
