I murdered the dance floor call the cops
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
the liver wants what the liver wants
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
