Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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