so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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