just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
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