this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
