I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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