Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
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