dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
