its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Randomize
